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I MAY BE A DRAMA QUEEN, BUT I THINK I'M ALSO GENUINE: JV
When I was in College I use to have this feeling and ability to create different genre of life, I creat different scenario and start thinking by asking myself "WHAT IF?" In this case, it is really easy to create a certain story or create a certain beginning and ending. Most of the time, I think of cool things in life and sometimes, worst. I usually put heavy drama in this things and makes my life and my attitude affected.
For example, When I was in my senior year in college I had this guy who is really nice, cool, handsome and sweet. In short, he is almost perfect 10 when it comes to physical and moral characteristics. He is always a good guy to me, but one time this crazy mind ask again "WHAT IF" what if he found someone and leave me... Do you know what happen? Well, I felt that if he found someone and be happy with another person I dont know if I have the courage to fight for his love. Because I know sometimes Im stupid just letting my guy go... Then on, i was a jealous type of guy and sometimes never trust him. But it really happens, He met a new college guy and been together for longer time and I just let him go. I never fight or ask him to come back because I dont know what else I can prove that Im inlove with him (that time).
Many people talked to me that'What if' makes your simple life miserable, complicated and full of pressure, becuase you know to yourself that it will be nonstop, it will be continous and may affect many lives or even your future. They said that because of this character, I became a Drama Queen, always a drama and make things complicated. You know what, it is hard to tell to a person how you care, and sometimes its hard to say it in front of the person how happy you are with him, so you are creating possibilities of what you will going to expect if he or she is like that. Or even, if he or she have that expected answers, for sure it will be happy. but most often, it is not like that, it always end the 'what if' thing into much complicated situation, the target -- your heart and mind.
So far, This past few months are very wonderful months for me, i met this lovely guy, totally nice, very loving I think and cool. I never seen him sad even there are things that make him sad, All i see is a very positive attitude towards life and how things go round and make life simple and not so complicated. But I know it is my fault that sometimes I overreact, been sad or quiet, and make things complicated... Thats why we both know in the first place that we dont have similarities even our nationalities, likes and dislike. But, we are in the process of getting to know each other and I wish I can be just simple guy and dont think so complicated. I just wish I can tell more things that my mind want to say, or even my heart want to whisper. I wish I dont have the cursed of "What if" that makes my mind create stories that makes my own heart hurts. I just wish, he can accept me for being like this because I know even in so drama I still beleive im genuine.
Now, Im afraid, because of these things, there might be a possibilities that he will stop calling me, or even stop talking to me, or even not to talk to me at all....But he dont know what inside of me when he say things that makes me feel sad... Im afraid to lose him, you know!?! Because once again , I know it will be heartbroken ending again, it will be hurting inside again... I will make an example for you to understand it...
What will be your feeling if one day he say goodbye?? What will be your initial reaction if he cant stay because i have this curse of being so drama? It hurts me when he asked me these things, I will never say anything but Im sure you see the sadness in my eyes when you tell me this... I know you never mean to hurt me, or you dont want me to get hurt because of these, because i know that fact from the early beginning.... I just feel so sad bout this, these things are the things that makes me sad... makes me quiet or makes me crazy.... IF craziness is acting stupid things and behaving not so well atittude, then I accept... Because, someone is coming but you dont like to pass because you are haunted by your past....
If your past makes u cautious in your future, then it is really hard to determine the right future.... You are right about several things, you proven alot and be the best one, I never ask for anything, I just want to know, where I will be in your heart?!!!! But thank you for letting me in, I just still want to make you happy... I will be there for you no matter what... I just wish, you give me reason to fight for this, to fight for you...
